never forget... KaRL!
This is an important post! I've got some stuff to share with all of you. This is not a sad post. This is not a happy post. This is just a KaRL Post! Accept it or fuck off and leave me alone. I'm weird, I'm strange and maybe I am not a good person... but I am ME! And that's all I want to be!
hmm my babies will be 4 months on the 16th September (4 months of living with me). They are big. I guess they are teenagers now! Love you, kids!!!
I am truly sorry if I've created confusion with all these "video+lyrics" posts but for the last few weeks, music has been my true and honest friend. It helps me, it hugs me, it kisses me and it will always be my most important lover. Shoot me when I go deaf, really. Please!
So, I go on with my diet and my morning jogging (well, sometimes it's an afternoon jogging at weekends). Feel free to join. And I feel that pretty soon I will give up smoking. As most of you know, I am not a big smoker but I really enjoy a cigarette sometimes. But it must stop. Jogging has become an obsession and I want to be better at it. I need to breathe better since I have some breathing problems since I was a kid. Yes, smoking was NEVER a good idea for someone in my condition. But fuck it.
I've had a couple of weeks of hard-working... hmmm work! And loneliness was also an issue these last few days. But as I've said a few weeks ago... People like me choose to be alone so one must not complain. And I will not complain. I must look around and feel that some people like to be with me, that some of them will accept to be with me if I ask. But these last few days, I've decided to be alone. Working! Thinking! Crying... listening to my lover: music.
Maybe I've bored you all with the most recent posts but those songs are so much better explanations than my personal words. And those posts were my way to put out my pleasure and my pain into this little internet corner.
Why have I been writting in English, you ask! Yes, some of you have asked me that. There is not a special reason for this. After I got back from Budapest (where I talked 90% English and 10% drunken lonely Portuguese), I felt better to write all of this in English. I love my portuguese language but this was what I felt. Another advantage of this is that my Irish, Hungarian, American, Greek, etc e-buddies can also get some news about me: the crazy portuguese boy. I also get the chance to practice my English and this is always a positive point.
Talking about Budapest, all of you know that I fell in love with this city and I've been seriously thinking about going back to see it at Winter time. I bet it's so nostalgic and melancholic when it's grey, when the rain is falling.. oh and it must be adorable with snow... I have some free days in November. Maybe I will be back. Alone again, with no one to wait for me at airport. But music will be with me, my books, my words, the hungarian wines, the familiar places, the memories of Budapest, the memories of my beloved Lisbon and my beloved ones. But I've said "maybe"... maybe, maybe not. And you will understand the "maybe not" when you finish reading this post.
I just want to be me. My tattoo! Kiss it! Right now I would like to tattoo "I shall be free of those voices inside me". I haven't been myself these days and I apologize to all the people who had to be fucked with my apathy and my strange sadness. I am sorry.
Sometimes I feel that life has beaten me and I am just a loser waiting to vanish to my own world. But then I open my eyes and I see that I am just a 27 year old boy. I have got so much to do! My band! I wanna get back to it to write more songs! We have so many... but we're fucking lazy.We must record an album before we're 30, my friends! And guess what, my good friend who is the co-founder of the Paranoid Prophets has invited me to go back to studio and we feel we really must try harder in this subject. Wait, we don't dream of being rock stars but we both feel that music is a big part of our lives and we would like to honour it. I want to honour music by making more music. I want to fuck my lover and give her lots of babies. Strange metaphor, I know! Giving life to a song, create and make it better.. would be enough for me. And I feel I must do this before I vanish in thin air.
Oh and I must finish my book.
A few weeks ago I wrote a long text about my entire life... it made me cry. My life could be a great book but I feel it would be a (too) sad book and it would be too painful to write it with more detail. That long text is hidden... maybe one day I will put some excerpts of it in here, in my sweet internet home. Once again, maybe not!
There are so many songs I will like to share with all of you right now because I've been listening to such wonders since I've started this post... I cannot decide but since I've already put you down with my strange sadness... I will share a funny song with you. One of those upbeat songs that makes us feel good.
hmmmm Ok, I lied. I'm just gonna put a song about... waking up crying. Put the song playing. And please do not read the rest of this post until you start listening to the song! Now...
Just imagine this: you wake up with tears in your eyes. You feel the sky is grey just like your soul. You try to find the energy to get up. You realize it's saturday morning and you have no plans at all. You think about going back to bed again but you're too sad to stay there looking at the ceiling. You just sit there. You cannot stop thinking and you cannot smile. You feel lost. You will never be happy. You look out your window. The sun shows up but rain falls softly. You hear some birds, some children laughing. Your phone rings. It's a friend. You talk nicely to your friend. You hang up the phone a few minutes later. You are now confused. You look out the window again. A rainbow. Your radio is playing this song! You are feeling it. Feeling! That's what life is about: feelings and emotions. You are not dead, my friend. Your inner voice asks you go get up and enjoy the sun. You don't get up. You don't move. But now... You are smiling.
Hope! Never lose your hope. Sooner or later, you will smile again. Just like me.
Never forget... KaRL! And I beg you all... SMILE :)
